Ludens
Interracial Dating And Relationships
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Interracial dating and relationships are extremely interesting to me for a variety of reasons. Given my own dating history, there is a personal angle. However, I also believe that these kinds of pairings often bring up some of the most challenging social issues around, including the following: white privilege and racism, cultural differences, economic class and classism, differences in understanding gender, and sometimes vast differences in family of origin expectations and assumptions. At the same time, some people manage to have vibrant, long term and even lifelong partnerships with another across the racial spectrum.
If you've been with me since the beginning of this blog, you might remember the post that started it all about the sometimes amazing, but ultimately doomed relationship I had last year with a woman originally from Burma. Many of the issues I listed above came into play during that relationship, and yet at the same time, had a few things been different, we might be together and quite happy today.
I'm well aware of the fact that many folks today, probably the majority of folks today, continue to view only members of their own racial/ethnic background as potential partners. Obviously, there are complex reasons behind this truth, but it's something that I have personally never felt. Even as a young teenager, my early crushes were across racial lines. I remember in particular really liking a cute African-American classmate who frequently complimented and smiled at me in our computer class. (That was back when I actually knew something about computer programming.) Being ever the shy boy, I struggled to muster the courage to call her and "ask her out," and when I finally did, her older sister answered, wondering who I was. The fact that she wasn't home, and that this older sister seemed suspicious in an older sister kind of way threw me completely off. I can't recall what I said, but I basically chickened out on the whole thing and nothing ever happened between us. Such is the life of an introverted 13 year old.
The following quote from a woman named Holly, part of a panel of Asian-Americans discussing dating and relationships, speaks a lot to some of the underlying challenges that face many interracial relationships:
The liberal-multi-culti facade of all interracial relationships being cool was torn up a little bit when my sister started dating black guys, however. There was a lot more disapproval and “what does he want to do with his life,” which I’m sure could be attributed to class differences as well. Come to think of it, they did raise similar objections to a white guy she dated who was a slacker musician without much of a “future.” When I put it all together in my memory, the message we received was holistically about fitting people into a nice, harmonious middle-class liberal picture of diversity where everyone basically ought to want the same thing: college, a career, a nice home, stability, marriage, kids, family closeness, etc.
Now, I think it's very true that wide differences around life goals, educational pursuits, and some of the other things listed here are major challenges to the success of any relationship. However, there's something more going on here.
I can recall a few female family members, both young white women, getting a lot of flack for "dating black men." And I don't think it really mattered much who these guys were, what they wanted out of life, or how they treated their partners. Their race trumped everything else, which obviously points to the various negative stereotypes that have hounded young African-American men for decades, even centuries to some degree.
Another example of this comes from my own experience. One of the reasons the relationship I cited in yesterday's post broke up was due to stereotypes some of her family members about white men. Specifically, they believed that a white man would never commit to, and marry an Asian woman. Again, it didn't matter how well I treated her, nor all the other things I did in my life that demonstrated commitment and loyalty - those family members, including her mother, read me by race. They certainly liked me well enough, but because I was white, they couldn't quite trust me.
When I hear people spout nonsense like "we live in a post-racial world" - a fairly common refrain amongst liberal white folks following President Obama's election - these kinds of situations come to mind. (Many other things come to mind as well, like racially charged police beatings, redlining, the wealth gap as broken down by racial groups, airport profiling, and immigration policies, just to name a few.) But with dating and relationships, at least in the U.S., we are at an interesting crossroads, as more and more people are crossing racial lines to find partners, and yet are living in a country where racism and racial prejudice are still fairly powerful players.
And yet, people of different racial/ethnic backgrounds still manage to fall in love and build lives together. Lots of people. Sometimes, I think that's kind of amazing. Other times, it just seems normal - you know - like the most natural thing in the world - loving another.